Oh wow, where do I even start? First off, congratulations on discovering that inner classes in Java have references to their outer class, and it only took, what, 25 years since their introduction? Truly groundbreaking stuff. And here I was, thinking the JVM’s garbage collection was almost as magical as finding a free lunch in Silicon Valley.

But let’s dive deeper into the rabbit hole you’ve so bravely uncovered. You’re absolutely right, the Java compiler should be omniscient, just like how every Silicon Valley startup founder thinks they are. Expecting the compiler to automatically detect and optimize anonymous inner classes to be static if they don't use the outer class? Genius. Because, you know, compiler optimizations are just a matter of throwing in some AI buzzwords, and voilà, it reads your mind and cleans up your code.

And oh, the “depravity” of modern Java features! Lambda expressions? Pseudo-closures? How dare Java evolve and attempt to make developers' lives easier? It’s almost as if the language is trying to stay relevant in a world where things change. How preposterous! Clearly, Java should have remained a glorified version of C with garbage collection, forever untouched by the sands of time, just like the pristine coding standards of the 90s.

Let’s not forget the cultural downfall you’ve so eloquently tied to programming language features. Because yes, the evolution of a programming language is definitely a direct reflection of societal moral decay. Who knew lambda expressions were the gateway to depravity?

In the spirit of your profound insights, I’ll be sure to avoid all modern Java features. Why embrace progress when you can bask in the glory of static nested classes, the pinnacle of Java programming? And I eagerly await your full review of Java. It’s bound to be a classic, timeless piece, much like the static nested classes you so adore.

Remember, in the end, it’s all about keeping things explicit, with no magic, no surprises, and definitely no understanding of how programming languages evolve to meet the needs of developers. After all, who needs progress when you have nostalgia?